You don't always have to be Alone
by Topaz Twilights
Summary: Postep fic for Great Barrier: Bobby Goren never stopped thinking, he didn't even believe he was capable of going blank.


A/N:  
Okay I wrote this the Monday after "Great Barrier" and it's just kinda showing how both Alex and Bobby are impacted by Nicole and the way it causes them to interact with each other. It's very short. Here goes:

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Nicole Wallace was a vicious, life-sucking, manipulator. The only emotion she was capable of was anger, and it was the motivation in all the evil she committed. Bobby had spent countless hours alone in his dark apartment, brooding, wondering simply how a single person could be so unregrettably evil. Many of those nights he'd ended up crying, calling up Alex. He told Alex about how Nicole's voice wold echo inside his head, all jer condesending remarks about him, his partner, his mother. She'd called him insane, and now, Bobby had told Alex, he was starting to believe her.

"No," Alex had said, "Bobby, you're not insane. But you're too damned smart, empathetic and compassionate for your own good. This is just your brain working overtime, like it usually does. Nicole Wallace is gone, Bobby. Stop thinking about her."

Ha, he'd thought, stop thinking? Bobby Goren never stopped thinking,  
he didn't even believe he was capable of going blank. He imagined in the most breathtaking and mind numbing situations a human being could be in, his mind would be racing, trying so desperately to make sense of it all. He was thinking about when he was seven and he found out about his mother, he'd been frightened, none of it had made sense.  
That was the most afraid he'd ever been. Afraid of what he didn't understand.

Now, it wasn't so much that he was afraid of what he didn't understand, but, he was afraid he never would understand it.  
That night he'd hung up the phone with her promise she'd be there in thirty minutes to keep him company. She was there in fifteen, and she could see the relief in his face. He'd ushered her inside and they took a seat on the couch, both of them quiet. Over the past year,  
since Alex's pregnancy, the two of them had become closer as friends and had dinner together at least once a week.

Bobby knew that this relationship was platonic, and that it was best assumed that it would always be, but he was feeling a strong attraction to her, especially now. She was the only person who understood him enough and cared enough about him to leave home at midnight on a Tuesday to sit up with him, even though they had to work in the morning.

Alex could see that Bobby was bothered. She'd heard it in his voice when he called, but now she could see it and it worried her. Nicole Wallace had been Bobby's nemesis. She was evil and heartless and had been the only person to speak ill of Bobby's mother that he hadn't wanted to tear apart. Alex, however, had wanted to tear the bitch to pieces. She'd never felt so hostile toward anyone in her life, but Nicole was cold and she deserved to die. She knew Nicole's death was also weighing on Bobby's heart and mind and she wished she could make hims ee it the way she did. She was lost in her own thoughts when Bobby lay his head in her lap, and without thinking about it, her hands went to stroke his hair. He'd told her once that his mother used to do it to comfort him.

Bobby was hurting, she knew that, but she didn't know in how many different ways and when he whimpered she felt her heart jump into her throat. "Oh Bobby," she said, turning her hand to stroke his face gently, "why do you do this to yourself?" He was trying to hide his tears, she knew it, and she was glad, because if she saw him crying,  
she knew she'd fall apart.

"I don't know." He was whispering. "I wish I could clear my head completely, just once in a while, just stop thinking...or stop thinking so hard. I've got to have something to hold onto my sanity"  
He took a deep breath and she felt him shiver. Tears were running down her face, and he felt it when she leaned down to kiss his temple and whisper "That's what I'm here for"  
Bobby was fighting to suppress the tears that were trying to surface.  
He didn't want her to see him crying, because he knew that it wouldn't do her any good.

"Thank you for coming Alex"  
She nodded, and went back to petting him. "You don't always have to be alone, Bobby. I wish you could see that you're not alone"  
"Yes I am." He said it matter of factly, and Alex snorted.  
"My God, Bobby, I'm right here."

He shook his head. "I don't mean you, Alex. The only time I ever feel like I mean anything to anyone is when I'm with you. If it weren't for you..." he paused and Alex felt him tighten his arm around her legs, "I think I would probably be dead"  
Alex was silent. She couldn't think of a thing in the world that she could say that would match that, but she knew she was going to have to try. Bobby needed reassurance, needed to know he was worth something.

"Bobby, you're important to me. I mean, after my nephew was born, if you hadn't been there for me to talk to, I just know I would have lost my mind, had a breakdown or something. The thing about you,  
Bobby, is you're so damned empathetic and compassionate. I didn't expect you to understand what I was feeling when I babbled and wailed at you about it, but you seemed to, you tried to. You cared. I know sometimes you feel like you're the only person in the world who's misunderstood, and lonely, but honey, you're not"  
"You know what scares me to most?" He sat up now and was looking her in the eyes. "When I killed her, it was almost...thrilling. I mean,  
I think I enjoyed it. I wasn't sorry she was dead, I was sorry I hadn't killed her sooner. Something's wrong with that. Something's wrong with me."

"No. Bobby, Nicole was a bad person. She was an evil bitch. She deserved to die"  
"But, by me"  
"Yes! Bobby, if you hadn't shot her, she would have gotten away, and you know she would have killed again, and you'd be blaming yourself for that"  
Bobby shook his head. "Now I'm no better than the people we lock up"  
"Bobby, you're not a criminal, you're a cop, and you did the right thing. You did your job"  
He was silent, almost blank, and Alex wasn't sure if she was getting through.

"Besides," she said, her voice deeperto show she was serious. "if you hadn't done it, I would ahve, I promise you." He flinched and looked away. "She hurt you, Bobby. She hurt you like I've never seen anyone hurt you before. That hurt me. I saw the look on your face when we played the tape for Ella, that's why I stopped it"  
Alex knew he was listening, even though he looked like he was in his own world, but she needed to see his eyes. She reached out with both hands and turned his face to look at her. His brown eyes weren't sparkling like they usually did. Now, they were cloaked in pain. "Nobody hurts you, Bobby. Not my Bobby."

And she kissed him, softly, on the mouth, before pulling him next to her as they lay down across the couch. Alex stroked his hair and they stared into each other's eyes, silently. They fell asleep that way, and for the first time in months, they both slept peacefully, all night long.

the end 


End file.
